Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I fear....

Another email from a fellow candidate for Sq informed us about the good news about reporting in for training in August. So far, five other girls have been given the good news. Slowly...replies are coming in one by one. We will be separated and will be reporting in on different dates. I fear i will receive the last email, or may just be rejected again. However that is not the only thing i fear.

I fear leaving home now. I dont know why or what happen to my enthusiasm in the first place.??? i fear i may die of spiritual hunger and suffer loneliness as not able to adapt to such a change in environment and maybe pressure... mostly i fear leaving my comfort and close knit of family and friends. What can i do?

Maybe if i receive the reply.... it would not be the reply i have expected....i may be disappointed but moreover i know my family will be there for me. But if i receive the expected answer.... i may not be brave enough to go with it... feeling such frailty in me... i simply can't explain how i feel now.

I fear, if the reply comes today, i may not have enough time to spend acknowledgin everyone close. I fear coz i dont know how to acknowledge some even now. I fear i may never find such friendship, relationship or close bond as with so many i have now. The fear of starting anew and being not strong now is intimidating and discouraging.

I try to share my concerns with my fellow girlfrens who are going... but i guess i get no answers that will subside my fears. So, i'm turning to the most High, expecting an answer, hope and assurance that i'll be fine wherever He puts me.

You... on the other hand... need be strong and courageous, unlike me... and press on for the things u dream of. And Maybe u can encourage me someday as we all do with our little experiences. Drop me a line....whenever u feel like it.



Aik Phang said...

I am in China and in a place like Malaysia 20 years back. This fear is common, as new environment, new people, alone, all my yourself...but eventually, after 1 week, 2 weeks ... 1 month, this fear will not be there anymore and you will be glad that you actually took the step to overcome the fear. Trust me, it happenned to me everytime, KL, Singapore and China.

A friend said...

I guess I understand how u felt..after waiting for so long. Fearing that all the preparations you have made is actually meaningless. Fearing that all the goodbyes you have indicated is actually bringing u no where. And you just feel like running away somewhere. Fearing that the hope you've been holding on is actually not coming true. And you just have no idea where to go or what to do now. In the other hand if you got it, Fearing that you are no longer prepared for it. Fearing that you have lost the desire to go. Or like what u say, Fearing that you won't fit in, and you will miss your family n frens even more now, after months of extra bonding wt them..

I guess if it would have been me, I would have long give up. I will say you have been very strong throughout this period. And I really salute you for your patience and enduring spirit. Your trust in the Lord is an encouragement to me.

Just stay strong no matter what the outcome will be. The Lord has His plans for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. And we, your family and your frens will always be here for you. We will never give u a different look. You always be the Grace we knew. And we will always wish the best for u :)

So stay cool n stay sweet ;)
God bless!

Gracel said...

Aik Phang, Thank you for being so understanding...knowing is one thing, experiencing it is another. I guess everyone goes thru them differently. I hope i can tell you one day i have gone thru them having achieved much more than what i am afraid of now. *smiles*

And my dear fren,
although i dont know who u are, but i'm guessing someone close to me,thank you for your encouragement. There is so much that goes for when a fren is in need, a fren like you becomes a fren indeed! God Bless you!

old joe said...

Fear not for I am with you, says the Lord.
Go where your heart desires and with the will of God assigned to you.
every new challenge is where your mind plays trick on you with lots of fear and doubts but if you don't take the 1st step you never know how easy it is.It doesn't matter where you are and what you do as long as wthin you, there still lies your grassroot and family love always for you.Go.. my Princess and follow where the Good Lord leads.

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